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Retirement Broadcast Network’s Jeffrey Snyder discusses the biggest mistakes—financially and emotionally—people make during divorce with Alex Jacobson of Jacobson Mediation Group.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, great to see you. Thank you for joining us and Happy New Year.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
Happy New Year to you. Thanks for having me.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Oh, we’re talking jokingly, but it’s really no joke that January really is divorce month. Does it seem interesting to you?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
You know, that’s true. Divorce filings generally rise in January. People are going through the holiday season.
It’s a time of high pressure. They travel with their families. They, you know, have a lot of family dinners.
And a lot of people at the end of that period of time say to themselves, I’m not going to do this again next year. New year, new me, resolutions for the coming new year.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
So your phone should be ringing non-stop.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
January has been a busy time for me.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yes, well, I think that’s good for you, of course. And maybe it’s good and we’ll talk about this. Maybe good for couples too.
So, with that in mind, you’ve been practicing very successful mediation where you help couples kind of work out their differences and get to that next step. But there are bound to be mistakes people make along the way. And if there are, what are some of those errors?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
So first I want to say that, and we’ve talked about this before on the show, it’s really important to get your team together. This is a really scary and important time to make big decisions about things that you may or may not have the deep knowledge to decide. So get your team together, get your divorce attorney, get your mental health professional, get your financial advisor, get your business expert, get someone to help you understand how to create a budget so you can make smart decisions about your divorce.
So again, the first thing that people often fall by the wayside and think I can do this on my own is that they forget to get their team together. The second thing I would say is to stick with things. People have attachments to the bricks and mortar of their homes, and the things inside their homes, and those emotional connections are just things at the end of the day, and you might be better off getting a new house, getting rid of the stuff and starting over.
So you have to have an open mind and approach the process that way. Then the last point I would say is to make room for new traditions. People often cling to the idea that I always spent Christmas Eve with my family or we always spent the Fourth of July by the water.
There has to be room for new traditions because your family will be in a different shape. You may or may not have your kids over for a particular vacation and that’s okay. You can learn how to create new traditions that can be better for them.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, I mean, obviously these are important pieces of advice, but as you’re talking, what I’m thinking about is when I don’t want to change and I want to hold on to the past, I’m afraid, I’m afraid for the future. How often will the right advisor or team never be found? How many of these mistakes are based on mere fear of the unknown?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
I think a lot of it is fear of the unknown. You’re used to this lifestyle with a partner in your home, helping you with daily routines, helping you budget, helping you with finances, managing the kids, and the thought of moving on to something new where that partner won’t be there or will be there in a completely different capacity is scary. Hence make sure you have advisors around you to help you make those decisions and make them less scary.
Knowledge is power.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yes, they look like the Schoolhouse Rock commercials when I was a kid. Let me ask you about the children you mentioned. Does that add an extra layer to the work you do as a mediator, but also to the process?
Because depending on the age of your kids, I have to think you have a different perspective as compared to puberty kids versus younger teens.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
Sure, I mean, when we’re talking about three- and four-year-olds, the parenting schedule is very different than when we’re talking about teenagers who are 16 and can drive themselves here, there, and everywhere. We have to keep this in mind when creating a parenting schedule to make sure it is tailored to meet the needs of that family. It is important to ask questions.
It is important to think about your children’s daily lives to ensure that you create a parenting agreement that works for them.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
And the team has to be ready, Alex, but what’s the amount, I’ll call it divorce literacy. Is this important? Meaning that in order to hire the team, you have to have a little bit of understanding, and get an education about what it means to get divorced?
What is the process? How much is part of this process?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
It’s part of the process, but I think it’s also part of finding the right lawyer that works for you. If you need a lot of help, it’s important to find a divorce attorney who will put his hand on your back, hold your hand and guide you through the process, making sure he answers every question you have. For most people, this is their first time doing this process and they may or may not even know what questions to ask.
So making sure you have the right personality for your team is crucial.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
And to find that person that represents you, do you go to the family, and I think you can go to half your family, I think. You go to him seriously, but to whom do you go? I mean, do you go to the American Bar Association?
Do you go to a local chapter? How do I find that person? And what works for one friend, they may have a completely different personality than you, you really need to touch up a little.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
Exactly, not all divorce lawyers are created equal. In my opinion, the best place to go is to your trusted advisors. Go to your friends, go to your family, go to your financial advisor.
Then, if necessary, go to your local chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers or the State Bar Association. You will find the right product for you, the right price, the right personality, and the person who will help you through the process in the best way possible.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Alex, my last question, and I want you to finalize everything for us, but does this have to be a flimsy process? I mean I know people can disagree. We often argue with our significant others, but does it have to be this way? Is there a point where you realize that this is a reality and that you don’t have to be so intense in your final act together as a couple?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
I mean the best case scenario is two people get together and realize we don’t work as a couple. Let’s do our best to separate ourselves financially, change our co-parenting relationship to that of parents rather than spouses, and make it less intense. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yeah, I mean, just listen to us talk about it. I’ve never been through this before, but I’m nervous just talking about it. Because it seems like a lot of change.
And you’re stepping on a limb that not many people have ever experienced, unless you’ve done it before. Alex, we have about a minute left. And I was wondering, we had a great conversation.
Would you mind summarizing some of the key points from our conversation this morning?
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
Yeah, I mean, I think it’s important to get your team together. It is important not to be attached to your things. It’s important to have space for new traditions in your family, in your financial life, and in your children’s lives, because it will be a new normal.
Jeffrey Snyder, Broadcast Retirement Network
Yes, very well said. Alex Jacobson, always great to see you. Thank you for joining us.
We look forward to having you back again very soon.
Alex Jacobson, Jacobson Brokerage Group
Thank you very much.
